In which I reveal certain ethical shortcomings and prove to be a misanthrope, part 1

I had a "moment of clarity" the other day. I was driving home from work and listening to a news story on All Things Considered regarding the escalating situation between the US/EU and Iran on all things nuclear. My first thought, "Wow, this sounds like an extremely volatile situation," was quickly followed by, "....That is just begging to be exploited!" And just like that, I received a revelation.

I quickily came to see that my life's goal, no, my life's calling is to become fabulously rich by churning out Eschatological fiction geared towards fundamentalist Christians (isn't that where all of it is geared anyway?). While possibly not the noblest of missions, I submit that, in monetary terms, my plan is virtually flawless. I base this on three fundamental (pun intended) premises:


1. Fundamentalists generally have poor taste in entertainment (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

2. Fundamentalists are generally ignorant of the world around them (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

3. Fundamentalists generally have a fair bit of cash available for discretionary spending (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

Yes, as long as I can consistently pound out 300 pages of that lovable combination of violence, cultural egotism and self-absorbed religiosity, I can't help but become disturbingly successful! Sure, my books will be pure dreck. Sure the characters will all be one-dimensional and completely unlikable. Sure, I'll be writing about things that I have little to no knowledge about, but those are nothing but technical difficulties, mere irrelevancies! As long as my incompetent, one-dimensional dreck appeals to the base emotions of my chosen demographic, they'll eat it up!

Though still in early draft form, I've tentatively titled my first book AD 2007: The Year of Our Lord. While I'll be including an excerpt of what I promise will be a thriller "ripped straight from the headlines(!)" in my next post, let me first set the stage:

It is late January, 2007. After nearly a year of tense fruitless negotiations, the leaders of Iran have decided to defy the Americans and proceed with their plan to continue uranium-enriching experiments. They claim to want enriched uranium for "purely peaceful, domestic purposes" but the NSA has uncovered evidence to the contrary. After a leak to the hardliner Israeli Prime Minister, an aerial strike on Iran is ordered. Thousands of Iranians die in one fateful night and their leaders promise vengeance. As the situation deteriorates and the world stands at the precipice of Armageddon, The U.S. sends a crack squad of Navy Seals into Iran in a desperate attempt to gain some control of this spirally situation.

It is here that we meet our protagonist, Ryan Rand. Ryan is a former atheist who became a Christian during a long talk with Pastor Jack Golde, minister of Grace Valley Community Baptist Church. After his arguments were defeated and his worldview was shown to be worthless, , Ryan opened his heardened heart to Jesus. Now a member of the Navy Seals in Iran, Ryan has been captured and imprisoned by Iranian authorities. He still remembers that inspring talk with Pastor Jack, but in this dark place it seems like a lifetime ago. Ryan is about to learn that if faith is to be proven true, it must be tested by fire....in his case, gunfire.

To be continued...

Excuses, Excuses

I haven't blogged in over a month because:

- I was stranded on a desert island.
- My dog ate the internet.
- I developed a debilitating disease that has since gone into remission.
- My hands were horrifically mutilated in an industrial accident and I've spent the past month in intensive rehab.
- I've been on a non-stop bender (actually, I'd probably be blogging more if this was the case).
- I was kidnapped by the U.S. government and forced to find and subsequently destroy the cures for cancer, AIDS and the common cold (hint: they're the same thing!)
- I spent the past month training for a Dance Dance Revolution battle against Hugo Chavez.

All of these (and more!) are true. My blogging absence has nothing whatsoever to do with laziness.

Goooooo Team Democracy!

Not enough good news in Iraq? No problem, we'll just plant our own:

U.S. Military Covertly Pays to Run Stories in Iraqi Press
WASHINGTON — As part of an information offensive in Iraq, the U.S. military is secretly paying Iraqi newspapers to publish stories written by American troops in an effort to burnish the image of the U.S. mission in Iraq.

The articles, written by U.S. military "information operations" troops, are translated into Arabic and placed in Baghdad newspapers with the help of a defense contractor, according to U.S. military officials and documents obtained by the Los Angeles Times.

Many of the articles are presented in the Iraqi press as unbiased news accounts written and reported by independent journalists. The stories trumpet the work of U.S. and Iraqi troops, denounce insurgents and tout U.S.-led efforts to rebuild the country.

Though the articles are basically factual, they present only one side of events and omit information that might reflect poorly on the U.S. or Iraqi governments, officials said. Records and interviews indicate that the U.S. has paid Iraqi newspapers to run dozens of such articles, with headlines such as "Iraqis Insist on Living Despite Terrorism," since the effort began this year.

The operation is designed to mask any connection with the U.S. military. The Pentagon has a contract with a small Washington-based firm called Lincoln Group, which helps translate and place the stories. The Lincoln Group's Iraqi staff, or its subcontractors, sometimes pose as freelance reporters or advertising executives when they deliver the stories to Baghdad media outlets.

The military's effort to disseminate propaganda in the Iraqi media is taking place even as U.S. officials are pledging to promote democratic principles, political transparency and freedom of speech in a country emerging from decades of dictatorship and corruption.

See also Knight Ridder's U.S. military pays Iraqis for positive news stories on war.

Periodically, I find myself having the urge to move to the Upper Peninsula and join one of those paranoid militias that stockpiles weapons and makes plans to fight the Federal Government. Luckily, I always manage to fend off these ridiculous notions. Hearing about stuff like this sure makes it hard, though.

Back to hitting the books?

After a two year hiatus from the academic world, I have turned in my application and am now a prospective student at the University of California at San Diego. Now I only have to wait five long months to find out if I'm one of the lucky five percent of accepted transfers who don't come from other California colleges and universities.



ps. Biological Anthropology, baby! Oh yeah.

What's that spell?

Because Outward Rotting Enables Drama...
Bringing Other Respectable Entities Downward...
Bourgeois Otters Remain Enviable Dudes...
Braggarts Ordering Remarkably Exceptional Doilies...
Boosting Our Retinue's Esteem Daily...
Bannister Organizations Ruining Every Descent...
Brazenly Ousting Routine Endemic Dowries...
Before Ontological Reasoning Executes Diabolically...
Bastards Only Retain Excellent Dialectics...

There really is no justice in this world

'Arrested Development' gets the Ax

Arrested Development is one of the best and funniest shows to be aired on network television in the past decade and Fox cuts it because nobody was watching it. Unbelievable. If you are reading this and happen to be one of the many people who turned a blind eye to fantastic television, I want you to know that I blame you for this. In order to get my proper satisfaction for this egregious wrong-doing, I'm reserving the right to stop by your house and key your car.



(ps. the reason for the non-post below is that I didn't feel comfortable with the juxaposition of a real tragedy with my pseudo-tragic melodrama. I needed a buffer)

This post has no content

See above.

To Allan

The world lost a good one today. Allan Glenn, better known to the internet world as WinAce, has died of complications related to Cystic Fibrosis. He was 20 years old. I'm tempted to try to say a few words about him, but I really didn't know him very well. We talked via email a few times, but mostly I knew him as the creator of Fundies Say the Darndest Things and as a member of the Internet Infidels. Allan, you will be missed. You already are.

Chronic stupidity is not a preventable disease

Via Pharyngula, The San Francisco Chronicle reports that a "new vaccine that protects against cervical cancer has set up a clash between health advocates who want to use the shots aggressively to prevent thousands of malignancies and social conservatives who say immunizing teen-agers could encourage sexual activity. "

Good lord, some people just don't have any common sense. Does anybody really think that somebody who wasn't sexually active because she was afraid of getting cervical cancer is just going to start sleeping around once she gets the vaccine? Call me crazy, but my guess is that she still might be concerned about contracting a few of these little buggers:

Amebiasis
Bacterial Vaginosis
Campylobacter Fetus
Candidiasis
Chancroid
Chlamydia
Condyloma Acuminata
Cytomegalovirus
Enteric Infections
Genital Mycoplasmas
Genital Warts (HPV)
Giardiasis
Gonorrhea
Granuloma Inguinale
Hepatitis
Herpes
HIV Disease
Lymphogranuloma Venereum
Molluscum Contagiosum
Pediculosis Pubis
Pubic Lice (Crabs)
Salmonella
Scabies
Shingellosis
Syphilis
Trichomoniasis
Yeast Infection
Vaginitis
Amebiasis
Bacterial Vaginosis
Campylobacter Fetus
Candidiasis
Chancroid
Chlamydia
Condyloma Acuminata
Cytomegalovirus
Enteric Infections
Genital Mycoplasmas
Genital Warts (HPV)
Giardiasis
Gonorrhea
Granuloma Inguinale
Hepatitis
Herpes
HIV Disease
Lymphogranuloma Venereum
Molluscum Contagiosum
Pediculosis Pubis
Pubic Lice (Crabs)
Salmonella
Scabies
Shingellosis
Syphilis
Trichomoniasis
Yeast Infection
Vaginitis

(from HAC)

This has got to be the stupidest political position anybody has taken in a very long time. The plain truth is that some people will engage in sexual activity no matter what the risks may be and those that are abstaining due to safety concerns will have absolutely no reason to change. This vaccine will save lives. It will not promote sexual activity.

The Times They are A-Changin'.

Well, I haven't written anything here in almost a month. Things have been a bit crazy in my neck of the woods lately. In the past few weeks I have both started a new job (with the same company) and moved to a new apartment. If that wasn't enough craziness (and it was), I also chopped off all of my hair. I went from over a foot long to an inch or less. One of these years, I'll get around to buying a digital camera. When I do, I'll post a picture.

I also managed to get tickets to the Sigur Ros show in San Diego that I wasn't expecting to be able to attend. It was nothing short of pure, transcendent sonic bliss. Basically, seeing them made my year.

I haven't gotten around to getting my apartment set up with internet access yet (I know, I know: where are my priorities??) and I probably won't be able to update this blog very often until I do. I'm sure my massive audience will find a way to cope for now. Somehow...

It's nice to know that we're in such good hands...

From the Washington Post:

As fiscal hawks surrendered, would-be government contractors were meeting in the Hart Senate Office Building to figure out how to get a share of the money. A "Katrina Reconstruction Summit," hosted by Sen. Mel Martinez (R-Fla.) and sponsored by Halliburton, among others, brought some 200 lobbyists, corporate representatives and government staffers to a room overlooking the Capitol for a five-hour conference that included time for a "networking break" and advice on "opportunities for private sector involvement."

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tenn.) sent his budget director, Bill Hoagland, who cautioned that federal Katrina spending might not exceed $100 billion. But John Clerici, from a law firm that helped sponsor the event, told the group that spending would "probably be larger" than $200 billion. "It's going to be spent in a fast and furious way," Clerici said.

Somewhere, a Libertarian is crying.

The Ugly Truth about Superman

Well I guess you really do learn something new every day. Today, thanks to Superdickery, I found out about the true nature of Superman. And the truth isn't pretty. Contrary to popular opinion, it's obvious that this guy's no hero or friend to mankind, he's nothing but a thug!. When he isn't torturing his friends or finding new ways to murder Lois Lane (and it appears that a substantial portion of his time is spent on these activities), he's no doubt off getting some sadistic pleasure from bullying and extorting the everyday citizens of metropolis. Here's some of the damning evidence:




While that evidence is certainly more than enough, it's just the tip of the iceberg! I, for one, am thankful for the people who run the Superdickery website and their dedication to proving to the world, once and for all, that Superman is a dick. The next time I find myself under attack from an arch-villian bent on world-domination or some tentacled science experiment gone awry, you can bet that I'll be calling on Batman, Spiderman or the X-men for help. That pyschopath in blue pajamas can go eat kryptonite!

Skinny Foreigners Making Beautiful Music

I got the chance hear NPR's live webcasting of the Icelandic band Sigur Ros in concert tonight. I really love those guys. Their music is haunting and satisfying at the same time. I find that lying in bed with the lights turned off and my headphones on is the ideal way to listen to them. Succinctly put, Sigur Ros is about as close to pure sonic bliss as it gets. Needless to say, the concert was great, but it just made me want to see them in person all the more. I'm afraid, though, that I may have already missed my shot at getting tickets to their current U.S. tour. Oh well. One of these years...

It's not that I don't respect your opinion....well...yes it is

Offering unsolicited political opinions to one's coworkers should be grounds for automatic termination. I decided this today after having to listen to two of my colleagues bloviate regarding the terrible situation in New Orleans and who is and is not to blame. Actually, no. That's not true. I came to this conclusion some time ago after enduring a rant over lunch on how the French people are all arrogant (anybody who doesn't see the rank hypocrisy in declaring that the entire population of a country he's never visited is arrogant deserves a swift kick to the shins), but today I really reached my limit.

Everybody has opinions, but for whatever reason some people have this silly notion that just because they have an opinion, somehow that means it needs to be expressed and with as much bullshit armchair analysis as possible. It's not that I have anything against bullshit armchair analysis. I don't. It's just that there's already a place for such things and it's called the Internet. Hence this blog...

Let me tell you something: I've got all kinds of opinions on all sorts of topics too, but do I subject you to them? No. Why? Because I'm not an obnoxious prick who feels the need to waste work time in an (unsuccessful) attempt to convince my colleagues that I'm smart and well-informed. How about this? You refrain from telling me that Hillary Clinton "just needs to be shot" and I'll restrain myself from letting you know that I think Tom Delay should be given the world's longest lemon juice enema. Capeesh?

Incontrovertible Evidence of Common Descent

Zookeepers Try To Get Chimpanzee To Stop Smoking

"XI'AN, China -- The handlers of a smoking chimpanzee in a zoo in northwest China are trying to get her to kick the habit.
The 26-year-old female chimp has been smoking for 15 years. Her mate died recently, which caused her to smoke even more."


That settles it. We're related.

Pat Robertson: World-class Tool

Apparently having become bored since he last made a complete fool of himself by wishing death on the U.S. State Department, Pat Robertson had this to say about Venezuelan President, Hugo Chavez:

"If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war."

Simply Amazing. In one fell swoop, Mr. Robertson again succeeds in single-handedly making the world a stupider place. As somebody who has nothing but disdain for groups like the Christian Coalition, I welcome inane comments like these. Keep talking, Pat. Your utter ridiculousness only serves to make your opponents look that much more reasonable and intelligent in comparison.

Now, what I want to see is how Pat's theological and political brothers-in-arms react. What, if anything, will people like James Dobson, Jerry Falwell, James Kennedy, and Gary Bauer have to say about this? If anybody happens to come across any interesting reactions from some of these folks, I sure love to see 'em.

I've been Googled!

So I decided to install a Site Meter in order to find out if anybody I don't know in real life has ever seen this page. I was pleasantly surprised to note that the answer to my question is yes! Despite all predictions (by me, to myself), there actually have been a few people who aren't motivated out of pity for their silly blogging friend stop by this site.

In particular, I was interested to note that Thoughts from Some Other Guy popped up during an internet search (hence the subject line), prompting one of these unexpected visits. Take a look! I guess technically I've been MSNed not Googled, but I believe that, unlike "To Google," the use of "To MSN" as a verb describing the act of searching the WWW is stilling pending acceptance by the Vernacular Lexicon of Internet-Speak.

I'm also happy to note that my comment on the use of the word "ass" as a pejorative-multiplier was what inadvertently found its way into the search. I guess that must mean it's my creative use of profanity that brings people in, but I have no doubt that my charmingly irresistible whit is what will keep them coming back for more!

-Dave

On the Joys of Being Propagandized

War is Peace
Freedom is Slavery
Ignorance is Strength

These are the three famous examples of Doublethink (described as "holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them") used by George Orwell in his great dystopian novel, 1984. Based on experiences I've had at work in the past week, I would like to add another: Punishment is Privilege. A bit of background is necessary to explain what I mean.

For as long as I've worked there, my employer, Very Large Financial Institution (hereafter abbreviated to VLFI), has provided a lunch for their employees one time each month as a "thank you" for the work we do. The lunch is always the same: Grilled burgers, baked beans, chips and soda. It's not much, but it's free (for us anyway) and everybody I know appreciates it. Alas, for reasons unannounced, VLFI has decided to stop providing this service to their employees. While I'm certainly not happy about this decision, what has really gotten my goat is the manner in which VLFI announced it to us. Did they tell it to us straight, giving the reasons for the change? Don't be ridiculous. Did they even state in plain words that they weren't going to feed us? Hell no. Instead we got a proganda fluff-piece that would make George Orwell proud.

The memo started with this: "Tired of the same old burgers every month? So am I!!!" As soon as I read this, I knew things were heading south. Nobody with any sense of self-preservation gets tired of free food. The annoucement goes on to state that, from now on, VLFI is going to be doing new and exciting things for their employees each month. Interestingly enough, feeding us is not one of these new and exciting things (neither is anything that will cost them more than five dollars). That's not to say that they're not doing anything good for us. Oh, they are. For instance, this past Friday they allowed us all to wear flip flops. Forgive me if I don't jump out of my chair with excitement. Last I checked, my flip-flops weren't filled with protein. They also don't go well with ketchup.

The most notable thing about the memo was that its sole purpose was to let us know that they wouldn't be feeding us from now on, but this inconvenient fact wasn't even stated. Instead, we were accosted with happy words and flowery language about exciting events and privileges (the privilege to go hungry?) we would be given that were designed specifically to dance around the simple truth that they don't want to shell out the cash for a simple meal every thirty days (that, incidentally, they've never had to pay anybody to cook because a group of employees always grilled it themselves). In essence, the messages (both implicit and explicit) were two-fold:

1. They weren't going to feed us anymore.
2. We should be excited about this fact.

What's that noise I just heard? Oh....that's just the sound of my intelligence being insulted.

But I'm not bitter. Oh no. In fact, I've decided to make amends with my gratuitously asshatish company. Instead of complaining, I've decided to make myself useful by providing for VLFI a new memo (free of charge) that they may use should they once again feel the need to make the lives of their employees yet even more hellacious. I think that this memo, unlike the one we actually received, gets right to the heart of the matter and doesn't insult anybody's intelligence:

Dear Employees of VLFI,

Due partly to a down-turn in markets, but mostly to the near sociopathic greediness and all-around selfiness of the Board of Directors, we will no longer be paying the monetary pittance it costs to feed you people a decent meal 12 time a year. We deeply regret that this decision was necessary, but we were not willing to take a 0.00001 percent pay cut in order to show you that we care. Please do know that we still consider you, our employees, to be our single greatest asset. And by "Considering you to be our single greatest asset" we mean that we create meaningless phrases attesting to this fact and paste them on company letterhead. That's got to be worth something, right? Right? Okay, we don't really think so either, but we also just don't care. The fact of the matter is that you simply aren't important enough for us to do anything nice for you. If you were in our position, you'd feel the same way. Not that you will ever be in our position, but if it ever happened (and it won't) you'd be just as callous and unsympathetic as we are. You see, we have the all-important Marketshare to consider and catering to your whims just gets in our way. We very much hope that you can understand this. If not, guess what? That's right - WE DON'T CARE.

Without a modicum of anything resembling sincerity,

The Assclowns Who Run This Company

Saturn: Refuge for 1950's horror movie soundtrack composers?

From NASA:

Cassini Reveals Saturn's Eerie-Sounding Radio Emissions

Saturn's radio emissions could be mistaken for a Halloween sound track.

That's how two researchers describe their recent findings, published in the July 23 issue of the Geophysical Research Letters. Their paper is based on data from the Cassini spacecraft radio and plasma wave science instrument. The study investigates sounds that are not just eerie, but also descriptive of a phenomenon similar to Earth's northern lights.

Click here to listen to a clip. It's pretty wild! For some reason, when I close my eyes and listen to those sounds I can't help but picture an old black-and-white sci-fi/horror movie and the guys from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 making sarcastic comments.

-Dave

Got an hour to kill?

Head on over to Public Radio International's Open Source and listen to a great interview with Dr. Kenneth Miller, author of Finding Darwin's God, on Evolution, Intelligent Design and God. It's a thoughtful and intelligent (must...resist.....puns) discussion that people who are interested in this debate should find well-worth their time.

-Dave