Monday, January 16, 2006

In which I reveal certain ethical shortcomings and prove to be a misanthrope, part 1

I had a "moment of clarity" the other day. I was driving home from work and listening to a news story on All Things Considered regarding the escalating situation between the US/EU and Iran on all things nuclear. My first thought, "Wow, this sounds like an extremely volatile situation," was quickly followed by, "....That is just begging to be exploited!" And just like that, I received a revelation.

I quickily came to see that my life's goal, no, my life's calling is to become fabulously rich by churning out Eschatological fiction geared towards fundamentalist Christians (isn't that where all of it is geared anyway?). While possibly not the noblest of missions, I submit that, in monetary terms, my plan is virtually flawless. I base this on three fundamental (pun intended) premises:

1. Fundamentalists generally have poor taste in entertainment (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

2. Fundamentalists are generally ignorant of the world around them (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

3. Fundamentalists generally have a fair bit of cash available for discretionary spending (as evidenced by the success of the Left Behind Series, The Prayer of Jabez, and Pat Robertson).

Yes, as long as I can consistently pound out 300 pages of that lovable combination of violence, cultural egotism and self-absorbed religiosity, I can't help but become disturbingly successful! Sure, my books will be pure dreck. Sure the characters will all be one-dimensional and completely unlikable. Sure, I'll be writing about things that I have little to no knowledge about, but those are nothing but technical difficulties, mere irrelevancies! As long as my incompetent, one-dimensional dreck appeals to the base emotions of my chosen demographic, they'll eat it up!

Though still in early draft form, I've tentatively titled my first book AD 2007: The Year of Our Lord. While I'll be including an excerpt of what I promise will be a thriller "ripped straight from the headlines(!)" in my next post, let me first set the stage:

It is late January, 2007. After nearly a year of tense fruitless negotiations, the leaders of Iran have decided to defy the Americans and proceed with their plan to continue uranium-enriching experiments. They claim to want enriched uranium for "purely peaceful, domestic purposes" but the NSA has uncovered evidence to the contrary. After a leak to the hardliner Israeli Prime Minister, an aerial strike on Iran is ordered. Thousands of Iranians die in one fateful night and their leaders promise vengeance. As the situation deteriorates and the world stands at the precipice of Armageddon, The U.S. sends a crack squad of Navy Seals into Iran in a desperate attempt to gain some control of this spirally situation.

It is here that we meet our protagonist, Ryan Rand. Ryan is a former atheist who became a Christian during a long talk with Pastor Jack Golde, minister of Grace Valley Community Baptist Church. After his arguments were defeated and his worldview was shown to be worthless, , Ryan opened his heardened heart to Jesus. Now a member of the Navy Seals in Iran, Ryan has been captured and imprisoned by Iranian authorities. He still remembers that inspring talk with Pastor Jack, but in this dark place it seems like a lifetime ago. Ryan is about to learn that if faith is to be proven true, it must be tested by his case, gunfire.

To be continued...

Friday, January 13, 2006

Excuses, Excuses

I haven't blogged in over a month because:

- I was stranded on a desert island.
- My dog ate the internet.
- I developed a debilitating disease that has since gone into remission.
- My hands were horrifically mutilated in an industrial accident and I've spent the past month in intensive rehab.
- I've been on a non-stop bender (actually, I'd probably be blogging more if this was the case).
- I was kidnapped by the U.S. government and forced to find and subsequently destroy the cures for cancer, AIDS and the common cold (hint: they're the same thing!)
- I spent the past month training for a Dance Dance Revolution battle against Hugo Chavez.

All of these (and more!) are true. My blogging absence has nothing whatsoever to do with laziness.