Monday, May 28, 2007

A bit o' creative writing

A few weeks ago, I wrote a satirical essay for an assignment in one of my classes. I wasn't entirely pleased with the outcome, but my teacher really enjoyed it, and the class seemed amused when I read it aloud, so I'm posting it here.

Brave New Zoo

Attention, zoo-goers! After twenty years of closure due to the unavoidable mass extinction of its inhabitants, the San Diego Technological Society (formerly the San Diego Zoological Society), is proud to announce that on June 1st, 2075 the new and improved San Diego Zoo will be opening its doors! We are excited for you to experience the many amazing exhibits we have designed for you. Unlike our predecessors—who were inordinately focused on inefficient and misguided notions like animal well being and species conservation—we are pleased to inform you that every aspect of the new zoo has been created with the convenience and gratification of you, the entertainment consumer, in mind. Let’s take a look at some of the unforgettable experiences that await you at the Zoo of the Future®.

Here at the San Diego Technological Society, we believe that some traditions are worth keeping alive (only figuratively, of course!). That’s why, when walking through the entrance, the first thing you’ll see is the familiar sight of the zoo’s flock of flamingoes. But unlike the primitive flamingoes you may be used to (which were notoriously noisy smelly and messy), our flamingoes are quiet, unassuming, and sculpted entirely out of a fine pewter/copper alloy. As the zoo’s official greeters, our flamingoes* do what flamingoes do best—absolutely nothing!

While we like to uphold some traditions, we also believe in the need for constant innovation, which is why our teams of tireless and inventive R & D engineers are always on the lookout for substandard products worth improving. Take, for example, monkeys and birds—on their own, neither even comes close to meeting our rigorous excitement quality standards, but, we thought, what if they were combined? That’s right—the zoo’s robotic amalgamation team has created the world’s first mechanical bird-monkey hybrid! What’s more, our robot bird-monkeys have been programmed to serve as the zoo’s support staff. Not only are they entertaining to watch, but they’ll take food orders, deliver refreshments, and even give your car a full wash and wax while you enjoy your day at the zoo. Now that’s innovation!

If there was one thing we hated about the old biological zoos of the past, it was all of those nagging signs ordering the guests not to feed the animals. If, like us, you loathed this particularly egregious restriction, we have a real treat for you. In partnership with McDonald’s—now with sixteen locations conveniently disbursed across the zoo grounds—we are proud to present Mei Shung, the cyborg Panda. Mei Shung’s digestive system has been specially designed to function entirely on Big Macs, and you can feed her. Truly, it is a delight to witness the insatiable hunger in her eyes as she devours burger after tasty burger!

After feeding Mei Shung, why not visit our nearby education hub, the Conservation Irrelevancy Center? There, our knowledgeable and well-trained staff will inform you the many ways in which extinction and the loss of biodiversity have made the world a safer, healthier and happier place for humans. And we haven’t forgotten the kids! While you educate yourselves about the wonders of human progress, your children will experience the hilarious virtual reality high jinks of “Petey the Pathetic Platypus.” They’ll laugh at the outrageous trouble Petey gets into as he futilely attempts to keep from being “naturally selected” out of the gene pool, and they’ll receive an important lesson about not placing too much value on out-dated, non-human forms of life. Truly, the Conservation Irrelevancy Center is fun for the entire family!

All of these fabulous experiences—plus much more!—await you at the brand new San Diego Zoo. As if this was not enough, we would also like to invite you to the San Diego Technological Society’s newly-renovated sister site, the Wild Rubbish Park. Here, you and your family will scream with delight through your gas masks at the spectacle of our majestic used battery gardens, and you’ll have the opportunity to take a guided hover-tram tour (with recorded narration provided by the upcoming Hollywood starlet, Paris Hilton III) through a pristine, 65-acre rubber and plastics dump. By itself, the full scale replica of the Statue of Liberty made from three hundred thousand car tires is well-worth the price of admission!

The thrill of progress; the joys of convenience; the gratification of entertainment—the furtherance of these, our principles, is why the San Diego Technological Society exists. As you visit the ground-breaking San Diego Zoo and Wild Rubbish Park, we hope that you’ll take a moment to reflect upon the inspiring words of our society’s motto: “Life—it’s all about you.”

*Please note: In an effort to reduce the need for repainting after heavy rainfalls, we have altered the color of our flamingoes from the traditional pink to a pleasant orange rust hue. We’re sure you’ll love the new look.

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