Tuesday, August 29, 2006

A letter to my One True Love

Dear AutoZone,

Please forgive this audacious thought: If you had testicles and I had a uterus, I would happily have your babies. Heck, I'm so in love with you right now, there isn't much that I wouldn't do for you. You see, I have what Automotive Psychologists call Aftokinotophobia, the uncontrollable fear of sudden car problems. I find the thought that my car might suffer catastrophic engine failure only marginally less troubling than the thought that I might die a gruesome and torturous death at a very young age.

Needless to say, when I noticed last Friday that my "Check Engine" light had turned, I did not take the news well; in the four days since, I have become a raging alcoholic, ripped out every hair on my body, and committed no less than four separate felonies (only one of which involved a domesticated animal). Obviously, things were not looking up for me. . .that is, until I found you.

What can I say? You picked me up from the vile gutter in which I lay, quieted my cataclysmic moanings, and got me back on my feet again, all without charging me a dime! What man could expect such kindness--such mercy--in a world as cruel as this one? Certainly I, the Grand Poobah of Motor Vehicle Ineptitude, rank among the least worthy of your time and patience, and yet, thanks to your unfailing efforts, I need not now endure the scorn and humiliation (not to mention the bilking) that surely awaited me at the hands of my most hated enemy, the devious Mechanic, to whom I feared that I was bound to turn.

Now that I have seen your beacon of light, shining in this cold, dark world, I cannot go back to where I was before; I am irrevocably changed. I feel as if a vital piece of my soul has been restored, like I've learned what it is to be truly human--the kind of wholistic person that the great Automotive Manufacturer in the Sky intended me to be--and I owe it all to you.

If there is anything that I can do to show you my appreciation and unfaltering devotion--anything at all--please allow me to, in some small way, repay the generosity that you have shown me.

Forever Yours,

Dave

P.S. When I looked into your eyes and said, "Please tell me how to fix this," what I really meant was, "I love you with all of my heart."

P.P.S. When you looked into my eyes and replied, "Just make sure you tighten your gas cap the next time you fill up your tank," I knew what you really meant was, "And I you, with all of my heart."

2 comments:

Becka said...

Maybe there's a future for me as a Matchmaker!

Catherine said...

LOL! Talk about Histrionics!! :)