Like the warmth of springtime and the start of election cycles, the winter Holiday Season just keeps coming earlier each year. While this is undoubtedly a joyous time of year, we cannot forget that the consumption of copious amounts of food and the receipt of presents are by no means the only--or primary--reasons for the season; no, my friends, the onset of Yuletide brings with it a sacred duty for all patriotic and right-thinking Americans: waging the War on Christmas™.
Unlike the many skirmishes of the 20th century, this conflict--the great battle of our age--is being waged on a virtually limitless number of fronts. From the shrill and volatile world of cable news shows--where the forces of darkness have marshaled under the banner of steely veteran General Bill O'Reilly--to the hellish land of internet message boards, the fires of culture war continue to rage unabated, leaving no mountain, valley or plain of our social landscape untouched.
With so many active fronts open at once, it is absolutely imperative that all upright citizens be ready to take up arms at a moment's notice. Just today, I saw an opportunity to join the fight--and I took it. While attempting to spend a gift card at Barnes and Noble, I happened upon the children's fantasy series, His Dark Materials by Phillip Pullman. Having seen trailers for the upcoming movie adaptation of the trilogy's first novel, The Golden Compass, and having read many pious Amazon.com reviews of the books claiming that they promote "blatant satanism," "anti-christian" themes and "atheism," (and having it on good authority that they are well-written and highly entertaining, but that's beside the point!), I saw immediately that this was my chance to strike a serious blow for liberalism, nihilism, secularism and the multitude of other beautiful philosophies to which we all cling so dearly. Therefore, dressed in full battle regalia--specifically, a t-shirt with a picture of Karl Marx on it*--I immediately walked to the front counter and purchased the trilogy box-set (at a tremendously reasonable price, I might add). Huzzah for another stunning victory!
I write this to you today, my brothers and sisters, not simply to brag about my brave and impressive accomplishments, but to encourage you to follow my example. While my actions were perhaps only tangentially-related to the specific mission of our blessed War on Christmas™, I hope you can see how they fell within our all-encompassing strategic plan for world domination through indoctrination and intellectual conquest. Furthermore, I hope it is clear that only through constant vigilance and readiness for battle will our noble aims be achieved. When your time comes, will you stand up and be a non-gender-specific adult human being? This is a war, and we are the front line. May we never forget our duty.
*Full disclosure: The t-shirt is also an advertisement for a conservative evangelical university, so if the People's War Committee for the Promotion of Politically Correct Sentiments chooses not to give me full points for wearing it, I'll understand.
5 comments:
This is a great show of that fundamentalist thinking you are so good at. :)
Why thank you!
All hyperbolic kidding aside, I probably wouldn't have purchased the books had it not been for all of those frenzied one-star Amazon reviews from many people who obviously hadn't read the books, but were only repeating talking points they'd heard elsewhere about the author being an evil atheist. I wanted to read the books to see what the big deal was, but planned on getting them at the library. After reading some of those reviews, though, I couldn't resisting buying them instead, if only to spite the people who would-be boycotters.
That's the very reason I started reading Harry Potter. Oh, and the Da Vinci code. But I couldn't put those two in the same sentence.
I think even mentioning them in the same post might be a little much! :)
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