Official 2008 Presidential Endorsements, part 1

Dear Iowan readers,

After much careful thought and discussion--which, scurrilous rumors to the side, did not involve a blindfold, darts, and a bottle of cheap tequila--the editorial staff of A History of Histrionics has decided upon our picks for tomorrow's presidential caucuses. For the Democratic candidate, our choice is Senator Barack Obama. He is, we believe, the person most committed to enacting genuine reforms to our incontestably broken political system. While he may not have a great deal of executive experience, he has--along with a long history of public service--the mature intelligence, honesty, fair-minded vision and charisma needed to be a great leader; and it is our firm opinion that these are the characteristics that our next president will need to possess. With Obama at the helm, our country stands a reasonable shot at putting the nightmarish corruption and incompetence of the past eight years behind us in order to move towards a future more closely aligned to the ideals and hopes on which this nation claims to be founded.

On the Republican side, well, our only interest is in seeing the candidate with the least likelihood of success gaining the nomination. That said, the field is so anemic that choosing the worst of the lot has proved to be impossibly difficult; all of them seem so poised for utter defeat that we have decided to take the possibly unprecedented step of endorsing every one of them!

There you have it, Iowans. While we'd prefer that you vote the way we tell you to, we only ask that you reflect upon our endorsements with whatever degree of consideration that you feel they merit. Happy Caucusing!