My fellow Patriotic Americans,
Today is a day of celebration for all those believe in our cherished, blue-blooded American values! Our European nemeses, those pretentious, head-butting surender-monkeys, the French, have suffered a humiliating defeat at the hands of the Italian national soccer team. The Italians--who will no doubt soon be names as honorary American citizens by a united (except for the irrelevant, whiny, French-loving Democrats) act of Congress--has defeated the neo-marxist French team to become World Cup Champions. The Italians played gloriously and easily defeated the cheese-eating French, who seemed far too concerned with appeasing terrorists to succeed at something as manly as a national sporting event. Please join me and the rest of the civilized world in laughing in the face of wine-snobbery and cowardice, and give a hearty cheer for free-market capitalism, cheap beer, and all Italians everywhere! Huzzah!
P.S. Some Un-American traitor-types may be wondering why the Americans had to rely on another European country to defeat the much-hated French. Well, everybody knows that Soccer is just a mild form of Collectivistic Socialism, and we Americans hate that sort of thing, so it's no wonder that we're no good at it. If the French are foolish enough to decide that they want to try they pathetic hand against us in a real, Capitalistic sport like baseball, basketball or football--not hockey, though; hockey is only played by Communists like the Canadians, Russians and Minnesotans--we'll be happy to kick their pansy asses ourselves.